Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Most Badass Hawks!

For those of you that didn't already know, Banana Hammock is a huge San Francisco Giants fan. This is fact. Out of love and support for the Giants' All-Star closer, Brian Wilson, I recently jumped on the Mohawk bandwagon. Once I did, I began to notice that the 'hawk is becoming increasingly popular in mainstream society. Once a symbol of punk-rock defiance, the 'hawk is now nothing more than a fashion fad. Why? Simply put, people love the 'hawk because it's "badass." It says "F*** you, I don't give a SH** what you think about me because I'm dope boy fresh!" and everyone wants to be dope boy fresh. So, out of love for the 'hawk and my own desire to be badass I've compiled a list of the five most badass individuals ever to bear the 'hawk. Enjoy.

#5: Sonic the Hedgehog.

Come on! He's neon blue, has orange shoes (a la B-Weez), is lightning fast, and does more spins than an underage chinese gymnast. Without the 'hawk though, he'd just be an acid-tripping hedgehog with Michael Jackson gloves. Badass value = 7.

#4: Mr. T.

I dare you to name one person who would cause you to make a yellow puddle faster if you ran into him in a dark alley. This guy is everything the 'hawk's about. He's got the muscles, the chains, the dope "stuck in the late '70's/Afrika Bambaata look". I pity tha fool that don't respect this 'hawk! Badass value: 8

#3: Blade.

Alright, before you all go and get all pissy about this, let me explain. You're right, Blade does not have a classic 'hawk, if anything it's more of a classic fade. BUT, he's ALMOST there and if he were to take some more off the sides and go for the full hawk then he'd be number one on this list. He's already possibly the most badass person (real or fictional) to ever walk the earth. If he were to up the ante with the contest! Badass value: 8*
*1 point penalty for not exhibiting a "full 'hawk"

#2: Guile.

Classic game. Classic character. Classic 'hawk. Guile is everything the 'hawk represents and more: Tank tops, military fatigues, muscles, fighting, America, pure badassness. After Street Fighter came out, the Army considered replacing the "buzz cut" with the "American 'hawk" aka the "bald eagle." Should they have? You tell me. Badass value: 9

And finally, the most badass hawk ever worn: Brian "the" Wilson

Maybe not the best 'hawk, but definitely the best 'hawk commander! Sure, by nature of being a Giants fan I may be a little biased, but even the most die-hard Dodgers fan would have to admit that this guy is pretty badass. He throws 100 mph "with cut", wears ridiculously distracting bright orange shoes (and colors 50% of them black with Sharpie when opposing managers object), and routinely says ridiculous things to the media (don't believe me? check this out: You gotta love everything about this guy, especially his 'hawk! Badass value: 10 + 46 (the current # of saves he's recorded this season) = 56

Disagree with these 'hawks? Let me know. Tell me who you would have put on your list. Hell, if you feel up to the challenge, go set yourself up with a 'hawk of your own and post some pics. Maybe one day, if you're badass enough, you'll make it to the list.

Go Giants!!!